pain

and still, while the practical side of life feels good at having something that is tangible, something you can hold onto and feel in your hands, there is always more to the story than that. Maybe there really isnt, but for some reason it feels like there is. Long after things are settled, all is said and done...untied feelings linger, feelings impossible to completely do away with. I'm glad that after boards are done I wont have to go back to seneca falls. I just can't deal with it. Moving on and completely getting over a situation are two different things. I wish they weren't. Or maybe it really is the same thing, and I'm just prolonging the inevitable. To truly let go...to just be able to float away without any sentiment or regret, I think is what I need to achieve. I've done it before, I can do it again. its a little trickier this time, for some reason..but I'll do it. Bleh its no use blogging about it, just something I have to will myself to do. I know time is something that has to be considered with this, day by day I feel myself getting a little better control of the situation, but its a long road to self-preservation. I wish I could use his asshole tendencies as emotional leverage to fling him off for good..but that is difficult, as I do the same things. To let go of someone that reminds you so much of yoruself..I think that's what really makes it difficult.

reasons why

I think I've figured out a few things this weekend. not about this weekend, about life in general. I do a lot of thinking about things that aren't happening right then..stuff in the past, or stuff in the future. Anyways, I've realize that whenever I tried to do something to make things happen, it never turned out as planned. As well thought-out and good-intentioned something seemed to be, there are too many variables to make a plan go off as well as one planned. Like me being in buffalo, for instance. I originally had wanted to stay in SF, but I thought someone would be coming out here to be closer to home...so I chose to come out here. Don't ask me why I do these things, they just seem to be be best thing to do at the time. Of course...he's not coming out here. And things have changed. I've stopped waiting around, there's no sense in it. I'm a practical person deep down, although also sentimental, which gets in the way of being practical. Anyways, here I am. Buffalo. All is not lost, I've had a lot of fun, met a great guy who appreciates me for what I am, which is all i've ever wanted...someone I can have a conversation with and just co-exist in harmony. No drama, no dramatic episodes of insanity...and I think things happen for a reason, regardless of if the intent of the decision was lost somewhere. So, I've decided the only way to live is to just look out for yourself and others who present themselves in your life. You can't force someone to be who they are not, and that's that. Maybe I'll co-post in myspace, that might be cool. sure.

when

when things are wrong, they are wrong. however, the reverse is true. when they're right, they're right. I believe the latter to be the case right now, more so then I have felt in a long time. I had to come back here to prove it to myself, and prove it I did. Garcia's tonight with the delongs! and kevin is coming from his mom's house to join us! I'm so excited I could explode. Well maybe I won't explode, I'm just happy he's going to be going to dinner with us tongiht. and that he didn't get paid yesterday, so I get to go pick out furniture with him for his new place! Its like my most favorite thing to do...I think I'm a home decorator in disguise, on the outside one might think I dont care about such superfluous things, but a beautiful house definitely makes the difference to one's happiness. anyways its gonna be awesome! oh yeah, dhb told us to be back to class tomorrow at 9 am, so I can sleep in a bit. that is awesome as well! and that I get to go back to buffalo tomorrow! yay! ok too cheery, I'm takin a nap before din din. sweet.

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

title says it all

blog-worthy dinner!

Kevin and I were hungry last night...so we went to wegmans (duh what else would you do when you're hungry) anyways we were going to have jambalaya, but for some reason it didn't seem like an inspiring meal..we did a few laps around the place trying to find something to eat with jambalaya..after two laps all we had in the basket was cannoli. doh. So in perusing through the frozen foods, we spied pierogies...spinach and feta pierogies...being a good polish boy (I think he's part polish) kevin suggested we change our menu. so we did. omg those pierogies were amazing! He had gone shopping the night before and got a club pack of salmon along with some veggies, so we had salmon and broccoli with it..I haven't really eaten dinner 'proper' in a long time..y'know, protein, vegetable, startch. anyways, it was really fun. And we had cannolis to wrap up the meal. yum. I'm sad, he's buying furniture this weekend, but I'm going to be in stupid effing seneca falls. boo. Oh well, I'll just come back and admire the handiwork that I missed. You can't be everywhere at once. Anyways, just wanted to blog about dinner, as it was blog-worthy. Oh and I can't forget to mention the quiche keri made last night!!! I made the crust, she did the rest. yum! I love quiche, my mom used to make it a lot, but then she kind of stopped cooking and the rest of us took over the kitchen. Then I moved to NY

relationshit

there has been a lot of relationshit in the air lately. i dont get the whole drama. I guess thats just my thing..I want a drama-free life, love included. It's kind of hard to find these days, we are pre-conditioned for it through tv and alllll that. I see myself finding a guy that doesnt drive me nuts and then just settling down and having a good life, having a pretty house and a big garden a few pets...dogs cats emus whatever...anyways I roll my eyes at other people's crazy lifes. I like to be nuts like the rest of the world, but when push comes to shove I dont screw around with my personal life...anyways just my social commentary of the minute, the quiche keri made smells DELICIOUS...especially the crust I made! No it all smells delicious, I should not descriminate the smell of the quiche. wheeeeeeeeeeeeee

hot or not?

theres no such thing as the perfect catch...people who are beautiful on the outside are often those who need to do so in order to make up for some strange character flaw on the inside...either they're dumb as a brick...or annoying...or just not nice people. People who are comfortable with their outward appearances not being short of miraculous are the ones who have personality...who dont have to attract people based on their outer beauty, but instead prefer to sit around in their natural skins and wait for other people who can see what lies beneath to grace them with their presence. I recognize that I'm not the ideal 'beautiful' woman as society defines it, but that doesn't mean I'm able to be tossed out in the garbage like any other undesirable. if someone wishes to pass me over, thats fine, they are just not able to see what they are tossing. Likewise, I dont need a guy to be mr. universe, I would prefer that he be a good person and want the best for himself and those around him, y'know spend more time helping out the causes of the world then time spent looking at himself in the mirror. I guess its all what you want to get out of life. On a completely unrelated note, I love nickel creek so much. they are my favorite band ever, I think. They played last summer at one of the free concerts that they have on thursday evenings in downtown buffalo, I wish i had gone. I think I discovered their music the night before that concert though, it would have been kind of strange to just go to a concert and not know the music. I've done it before though, and its not so bad..maybe at a free concert I would be in the same boat as the rest of the people, who knows. anyways.