why

I dont know why I do this to myself...alone in my apt, nobody to talk to..I should be studying, and while I am, the inevitable lonliness comes creeping in...kevin has been by my side for the better part of a week and a half...he is a very good detractor, has been since we've met. however, there's always that low-level current of wondering how things might have been different. I dont wish to expand further, I really just wish things were as simple as they should be. There's a reason I try to separate myself as far as possible from the situation, because I just want to have some peace in my life...4 months should have done it, but I'm beginning to think it's hopeless. Part of me really misses the good ol times, before things changed so much. I guess change is good, its not like that was going anywhere. As dumb as situations are sometimes though, you like them they way they are, dumb or not. where's my kevin, I need distractions asap

blogging..

keeps me sane...part of this whole aquarius/virgo thing is the fact that I really can't be deceitful, although I can willfully withhold part of the truth, I can't tell a lie. part of my charm. anyways, blogging always makes me feel better, and while most of the time it doesn't matter a hill of beans to me who sees my blog, there are some things I just have to write to certain groups of people. I have another blog, mostly for old college friends...it kind of completes the blogging circle, stuff I can't post here publicly I'll post friends-only here (if I can, I actually haven't figured out how to do that..) and stuff i can't post friends-only here I'll post on my other blog. great. I signed up for a CSA a few weeks ago, but never got confirmation that they recieved it. maybe I'll email them to make sure they got it. sure.

maine

whee its been a while since I've been able to sit down and do a little brain-dump on the ol' blog..my parents dont have internet anymore, and the neighbors' signal was too weak, so we had an epic journey around the town to findi nternet. we went to a few coffeeshops hoping to have luck, starbucks charges you an arm and a leg, a place we found called joe's java shack advertised free internet, but it was a shitty signal. We finally gave up and went to the library, we didn't realize they had wireless internet though and spent the first day there on their shitty old computers. Which brings me to my beef with the library. The next day we decided to try to find wireless and yes..they had internet...anyways we sat down in an area in the children's section next to some other computers that weren't being used..kevin was on my laptop for a while, and I decided to sit down at one of the unused computers in that section (there were probably 15 computers in the room, none of them being used by anybody) anyways i got halfway through my thank-you email to the chiropractor I visited, and some lady (I assume the librarian or whatever) came over and informed me that if I wanted to use a computer, I had to 'use the ones upstairs'. That pissed me off...normally it makes sense, the ones in the children's section weren't password protected, they want kids to have a chance bla bla..but the computers in the kids section were a LOT better, they had computer screens you could actually see, and were faster. anyways, that disgruntled me a bit. I guess on principle, it makes sense, if they let one adult use the kid computers, then they have to let everybody, and then the kids couldn't get on to learn their ABCs or whatever. it just pissed me off. Anyways we found internet, but I wasn't in a bloggy mood in maine. Speaking of maine, we had an awesome time! We found a great restaurant in bangor, paddy murphys. It is an irish pub-type place, but they have other stuff on the menu too. I had an asian salad the first time we went (the waitress was dissapointed when I ordered it, since kevin had ordered the guinness stew right before me, which excited her to no end) anyways the salad was good, kevins stew was amazing (as reported by him, I dont eat beef) um ash had a sandwich with fries..the fries were awesome, kind of lightly battered and with lots of fun spices...anyways we went again on sunday, I had a turkey pesto sandwich with sweet potato fries (again, not terribly irish, but very good) kevin had fish and chips (all you can eat on sundays! he could only do two servings, but it was a valiant effort) ash had some chicken wrap with sweet potatoes, she and I both got beer as well..I got allagash white, she got blue bear blueberry...maine has a lot of microbreweries, with lots of good beer. Lets see what else did we do? went to acadia twice..the second time we went with my buds emily and scott, went up an epic trail, complete with ladders and rails to climb up this cool ravine that was carved out by a stream we had to walk up to follow the trail..discovered peanut butter and banana sandwiches are ideal trail food, drove down for the day so I could shadow the chiropractor (which was awesome. She uses activator, and watching her work made me think that crap actually does something. I think I'm going to maybe use activator in my practice? Definitely if I work with her) she had a beautiful office, right downtown in a awesome town in southern maine. I can't divulge details, I had to sign a confidentiality agreement, I would say its in one of the nicest areas of the state. Anyways, it would be great if that worked out. I am antsy to graduate and start practicing, only 6ish more months! I'm a little nervous for part 4, I'm not too good with practical exams, but I'm gonna study hard for the practice exam thsi weekend, that will hopefully help me focus my studying a little so i will be good to go for actual exam...eek! anyways I'm all blogged out, kind of hungry, gonna go see what kevin has in his kitchen..ta

*zombie noise*

sf is nice to visit, but only for a short while. I was bored shortly after getting here last night...luckily we're going to where there is entertainment, around the lake for wineries and to ithaca for good ol' fashioned hippy fun! Pictures to follow, maybe..

holy hell

two new patients (one of whom was blind as well as hard of hearing) and one re-eval later, I'm beat...and I can't adjust worth crap, although I did pull a sweet cross-butterfly out of my ass. yikes, I need a vacation as well as adjusting classes. hah.

ok!

So here I am sitting in clinic...everybody else has pretty much left for break, but I'm stuck in NY until saturday waiting for ash, so here I am. I guess those who are still around don't show up in clinic, due to not wanting to see patients. I find that a little weird, sure its work, but isn't that what we're here for? I remember at the beginning of the tri, everybody WANTED PATIENTS SO BADLY..now everybody is avoiding clinic lest they have to see patients. Well I'm happy to see them, that will make me more prepared for when I have to see patients for, y'know..the rest of my career...whatever dudes. I love this profession, I'll take a hit for the team and cover patients, we're here for them..not vica versa...

hm

I should probably tell the 'rents that there will be 3 of us coming back to maine..for some reason, i can't talk about guys with my parents..I just have never been comfortable talking about them with stuff like that...maybe I should get over it someday. maybe.

munch munch crunch crunch apple

I think facebook greatly changes the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. Before, if you said goodbye to someone, that was it. No strange inclinations of 'checking their page'...which I have been able to ignore, mind you..but its still there, taunting. come on in, see how great my life is without you...but its easy to fake happiness online. I've learned..the hard way..that the internet isn't reality, its a facade composed of whatever we choose to put on it. seeing a picture, you can put any context you want as to what was happening in that picture. The only way you know is to have lived it, or to know the people in the photograph well enough to get an idea of what the group dynamics were. Anyways, I'm excited, for about 10 different reasons. Going home, hopefully have found a job, spending time with a wonderful guy, being the proud owner of a beautiful blue table (its pretty enough to take pictures of and post on facebook...its so blue I can hardly stand it..) anyways moving on with my life is the best decision I've ever made. Its just the only way to go

boo

so I come home this morning to find all my birdseed eaten...and crap all over my balcony. stupid friggen crows. I'm so taking my bird feeder home over break, at least maine birds appreciate the gesture and dont crap all over the place

whoa

lets see...last tri at this point I was 1. moving into my apt here in buffalo, 2. studyin for finals, and 3. being miserable in general. This weekend...well let's recap. kevin and I went to roch yesterday for adventures, actually it was mainly to give ash her cell phone, she left it in my car last weekend. anyways, we got there early and putzed around the city for a while, looked for spot but couldn't find it. boo. anyways we found some sweet deals on furniture and other essentials at xmas tree shops (my favoritest store ever...) in the 'as is' dept I found a side table for 10 bucks, it was a gross brick-red color though. kevin found a cool wooden planter that he's going to have an herb garden in, I would have gotten the same one if I knew it existed, i planted my herb garden in a rubbermaid storage container....oh well, its done and over with. anyways, we put both of those together today, we decided the brick red was a little ugly, so we went to home depot to find some paint or whatever..we found some, and now I have a beautiful blue table (we both are obsessed with the color, it happens) so that was fun..I made mujadarrah for dinner with rice and some fish he made...it was excellent with the rest of the bottle of cab we had. yum. anyways I'm just lying here in a lentil-induced stupor, decided to blog. Oh and I think i have a job for after I graduate, I'm going to have lunch and check out an office in maine while I'm home. It would be a great position for me, except I have to brush up on my activator techniques (or lack of, I can't remember a single fricken thing from that lame class..) turns out she uses it and her patients are very satisfied with it. She had me there, I thought it was a load of crap last tri. Oh well, we'll see what happens. I can't wait to go home, although turns out we'll only be in the area for a week, kev starts a job at the restaurant on top of niagara falls the second week of break, so I'm coming back with him and going to do a few rotations to get most of my numbers done (yay!) although I'll just be sitting around for the rest of my time here in buff, but oh well. Anyways, gonna look up some info about the area I'm hopefully goign to be practicing in (which is propietary at this point, she's not going to tell her staff until its finalized, and i signed an agreement not to disclose said information. ooh i love secrets!) hah. anyways.

anudder one

http://www.stumbleupon.com/demo/#url=http://thepandapage.com/2008/04/07/best-yearbook-photo-ever/

hah

look at the 5th one down...it is so fricken hilarious.. although they are all good..http://www.scribd.com/doc/5107/They-didnt-study

yeasty

I think it is appropriate I be dubbed 'candida albicans'...why you ask? Because. Just kidding, i've got a better answer then that. There is a brand of popcorn sold back home, and I've always loved its..unique..taste, but I could never figure out what the secret was...well I discovered it by accident. Nutritional yeast. Its delicious..its vegan..its cheap! mmmmm I just hope i dont start to smell like a dirty vegan like someone I remember..haha..I'm not a vegan, although i have not been eating meat. I just feel very bogged down when I nosh on animal flesh, I dont know what it is. anyways.

yawn

I'm dating a chef. HOT! He starts the second week of break, so I guess we're only going home for a week. Thats fine by me, after about a week of home I'm ready to come back to school. I signed up for a few rotations for that three week rotation, so it will be good for all concerned. Awesome. I'm kind of bored at clinic, I feel like doing the ol' 'throw the playing cards in the hat' trick on tv that we all have grown to love..maybe I'll study for boreds? maybe. I can't remember orthopedic tests to save my life, too bad it isn't open-book. blah

oh snickerdoodle!

Strangely enough, snickerdoodles proved to be more tricky to make then one would think...I usually successfully make substitutions in recipes, but these ones were a little different. i used crisco instead of butter because the butter was frozen..and it totaly made my cookies weird. I also used whole wheat flour, which I didn't think would matter, but again it kind of did...oh yeah I accidently broiled the first batch (I have a bad habit of doing kitchen things in the dark...the temp was on broil instead of 300 degrees) it actually made an interesting texture on the cookie, the sugar on the outside kind of hardened into this crispy outside, but it was kind of a little too much, aka burnt. Interesting though. anyways I have about 15 weird cookies..lucky for me kevin will eat most things (although he claims to be picky..weird..) I made pho today, it actually wasn't that hard! Veggie pho of course, I dont really eat meat. The most labor-intensive part was the broth, when having pho at red pepper (best chinese food place around, yum!) I couldn't pin down the spices that went into it...turns out it was cinnamon and star anise..I used chinese 5-spice, which worked like a charm. anyways that was a culinary success, next time I'll pick up cilantro and lime to have as the garnish, really makes a big diff. My new favorite food are what we call 'cartoon mushrooms' which we first discovered in the pho, I guess the right term is 'straw mushroom' but they really do look like little cartoons. anyways. We've been lounging around the apt all day, watching a 'top chef' marathon, its quite entertaining. kevin has an interview at the restaurant right next to niagara falls, he's decided computers aren't exactly his passion. I say go for it, you have to be happy first and foremost in life. plus guys who can cook are HOT. I officially have all my numbers for the tri, so I'm just going to do as little work as possible this week and next, and then its time to go to maine!!! yay! I am very excited to show kevin around the state, we have big plans...well, plans to make plans I guess..I'm gonna shadow a few docs over the break to try to find a place to work when i finally gradumatate, I thinnk I've decided it would be best to go back to maine and see how i like it back there, and if I'm not happy, possibly relocate..one thing at a time...I would be happy living on a farm in the country somewhere, close enough to have a practice in a town that would pay the bills (I'm not exactly in the market to be rich, just happy..) plus i think if you are doing extremely well as a chiropractor, you're a bit of a shiester, or I guess very lucky..ahh I'm so not tired, had coffee a few hours ago and now I'm WIRED. I bought nutritional yeast to have over popcorn sometime, turns out its the secret ingredient in the popcorn I enjoy eating back home..I am hella excited. anyways I'm going to go run on my hamster wheel for a while (which I dont actually own, I feel like I need to run myself down though) right. thanks for reading, have a good nite

whoa.

so I was sitting in clinic minding my own business..writing up a few patient narratives I had to do..when mr. kamakaze dustin martin comes zooming into the comp lab and comes over to me...and is like..candace, here's the deal..we need someone to shadow Dr Stephan (the MD who's in cahoots with us wild choirpraktiors) and Dr Cote said he wanted you to go next...and it starts at 12:30..I was gearing up for my patient at noon (it was like 11:45 at that point) so i was like..umm, okay..went and talked to Dr Cote, then to Dr K...and they sent me on my merry little way. Its kind of a shitty gig, I didn't get any adjustment credits (dur its an MD office) and just kind of followed the doc around for the day like a scared little puppy. He wanted me to go in the treatment rooms before he did to get the histories, but he could tell my apprehension (I already know how I would do the history, I wanted to see how he did it..) and I ended up just inputing the patient visits on their electronic record system. It was a neat day, I got a boston market corn muffin out of the deal, not too shabby if you ask me..anyways it was very spur of the moment, I just have to go again next tuesday and that will be done and over with. and then next weekend we get to go to MAINE!! I think Kev and i are coming to SF a few days early to go waterfalling/ithacaing/winerying, he needs to see the very few redeeming qualities of teh fingerlakes which kept me sane for the past few years. anyways, woo its summer! Holy crap its 67 right now, thats like june weather. whoa. anyways, i gotta take a nap and then finish the cases I need to clear tomorrow, awesome.

boo

between the sunshine and the couple of days I got off, I dont want to be in clinic anymore..when does the tri end anyways? On the up side, the weekend before lab finals last tri..I was crammin' like nobody's business. This tri, I spent the weekend before lab finals running around in the sunshine with a wonderful boy and my sis. It can't really get any better then that. OK back to my patient narratives. awesome.

addictive personalities

as much as you try to run away from people, sometimes the allure of an addictive personality is just too hard to get away from. Gotta do your best, but sometimes your best ain't good enough. I made up a new sandwich, apricot, cream cheese, and honey. yum.

decisions

we make decisions for a lot of different reasons...some selfish, some not. The decisions we make today affect us the rest of our life. Its kind of unfortunate, because people in their 20s dont have the decision making skills to be able to know what's best for us and what is just a sudden, rash decision. Anyways, one would think it to be the best for us to make decisions based solely on selfish reasons...I mean, nobody else looks out for our best interests right? that isn't always the case though. If someone has a good head on their shoulders and tells me something, I usually at least consider their viewpoint. I dont always take their advice, but I listen, at the very least. Sometimes its hard to take other people's decisions, because you know them to be based on shady logic, selfish reasoning. But in the end, selfish comes back to bite them in the ass. And if it doesn't, so what...just gotta live your life as it comes. With patient files, its important to update the problem list to reflet 'highest clinical knowledge'...you have to do the same with everyday reasoning, as well. don't base decisions today on things you knew to be true 6, 12 months ago...its just about today. what is real this very moment, what you know to be true. I keep having to tell myself this, its true today as much as it is any other time..life in the moment, dont let the past get you down. I make that mistake too much, its done and over with, time doesn't stop with other peoples' poor decisions

art gallery

kevin and I went to the art gallery last night, its free admission from 3-10 every friday. we had fun, the art gallery is more modern, so we saw a lot of..modern...stuff. I didnt think I could bring a camera in, but I did anyways. some pics are on facebook, wheeeee! I hope its nice out, the park might be waiting for us. I think we're going somewhere in clarence for lunch, home to the rich and famous of WNY. awesome.

better

as weird as this sounds, I think life is better when you just don't feel anything. Just going through life in an emotionless haze is so much more easier then being emo all the time. I've had enough of that to last my whole life, I think. maybe thats why I'm just going through the motions, nothing more left to feel. I don't even hate people anymore, which is weird. I'm kind of just this monochrome being going through the motions. Maybe the funk is temporary, but right now its comfortable. I just don't care

people

come in and out of your life. Physically, sometimes they stick, sometimes they dont. Mentally, sometimes they stick and sometimes they dont. Despite ourselves and our best efforts, we can't really control either one. Well, we can to a point, but there is a lot which is out of our control. A smile, such a little thing, but something that can mean so much to one who hasn't smiled in a long time. Not a fake smile either...a big, ear-to-ear grin, with the eyes crinkling and all that. I guess maybe it isn't such a small thing afterall.

spring!

its officially spring I think. I actually saw a bird at my birdfeeder today, a sweet-ass chicadee (none other then the official state bird of my homeland)...I definitely think the birds have been noshing, its about 1/3 of the way down the container. I'll try to get pics of birds, they are very fast though so its a little sketchy. anyways I was happy to hear them out there this morning, I was getting worried that they hated my birdfeeder! It was probably just that a lot of them weren't around in the winter. That is different from maine, at home we have birdfeeders all year round, and they even come when its cold outside. I dunno maybe maine birds are a heartier bunch. We always got a lot of bluejays and squirrels, my dad didn't like either. they 'scared away' the little birds. oh. anyways, it is beautiful out, but I am stuck in the clinic. I dont mind that much, I might walk over to weggies to get some coffee in a few minutes, I dont have my first patient until noon. OH. Last night we were feeling especially frisky, so we got ingredients for this phillipino dessert I learned of last night. It's called halo halo, and its basically a mix of a bunch of different things. They are traditionally made with sweetened beans and some purple yam, but I wanted it to make it not so weird, plus they didn't have either at wegmans, so I just added more fruit..it was canned fruit in the bottom (papaya, mango, and some weird thing called 'jackfruit'. It wasn't bad, some of them just had a weird texture, kind of like chewing gum) then 'shaved ice' (I dont have an ice shaver, so we just took ice cubes and pounded them with my incriminating rolling pin, to get back at the downstairs neighbors for playing their ethno-beat crap music at 8:30 in the morning..not exactly the right texture but we got the basic idea) and then coconut milk on top of that...then evaporated milk on top of that, and a scoop of ice cream to top it all off. They were very good, although we were bouncing off the walls after eating them. It wasn't very authentic, but kind of the right idea. We sure know how to party! anyways.

nice...

sometimes I wish I was a nicer person. I mean, I think I'm kind and all that crap, but when it comes to be outgoing and forcefully nice, i just can't do it. I think i'm a pleasant person, but I'm not one of those people who can be 'inyourface' about wanting to be friendly or whatever. I am who I am, thats about it. I have to be aloof, I get scared if I am forced to do something or be in a certain place with a lot of people I'm not comfortable around. Sad but true. anyways, clinic comes way too soon, time for bed. awesome.

oh yeah

the head clinician at the clinic has decided I'm a good intern...he keeps on complimenting me in front of patients, that makes me happy. I used to think he was an a-hole, but he just likes things to be correct, which I respect. I'd rather learn it right and go through a bit of extra work then to just do it wrong forever. Anyways he and I are bffs, which rocks the hizzouse

studying...

I dont mind studying for things that will be useful..but looking at things that I can just look up...its pointless, and the information doesn't stick anyways. bleh. Oh well, just I gotta just keep truckin'..after part 4 is over, I'll be golden. I helped kevin buy a rug this morning..didn't have rotation until 1, so took a few mins and went with him to FWS (rug and funiture place) and he got a pretty sweet one, I approve. He and i both share a love for the color blue, so it works out. He didn't get a couch, realized that it wouldn't fit into his vehicle..I told him he should get a papasan and a bean bag chair instead, and he agreed with me, I think. Anyways, my life is boring as of lately, I dont have any angst. Its good to be happy, but the interestingness of my blog suffers as a result...oh well, there's always stumble if you guys get bored..

nice

I like this trickle down effect..the acupuncture lady had an appointment for a massage today from one of the student masseuses...but since she's so busy, she had to cancel her appointment, I happened to be the first person to come up to the desk while they were looking for someone to fill the slot..it pays to be not busy. anyways, I got a sweet massage...oh and I made a patient better today. I only had to make up ART for the leg. I think I got it though, she was in a lot of pain. anyways her feeling so much better after such a simple thing really made my day. I'm gonna go help kevin buy a couch now, I think. woo

hm

I can't embed songs on here so I'll just say it, I'm sure you guys have heard it billions of times. The song Dreaming with a broken heart by John Mayer...for some reason, this song gets stuck in my head for no apparent reason. I dont even have to had heard it on the radio, it just pops up occasionally. I like his mood in this song, its very appropriate to the content. I dunno, it just clicks for me I guess