well well

its one thing to not be upset by a situation any more...I've been doing that for a good 8 months now. But truly accepting the reality of something takes a little more time. To truly be emotionally free from a bad time in your life takes a lot more. That time, I think, has come for me. I just dont give a crap one way or another. I could fake-say before that I 'didn't care'...but deep down, I know I was still bothered. Life is so much better now, I'm happy with everything about whats going on right now. I'd like to be in maine, but thats about it. I am so happy with kevin, he makes my days brighter. I know, sappy shit, but its true. I couldn't imagine myself with anybody else. I'm excited to get a place with him after school is over, moving in with someone is a big step, something i dont take likely. We've never had a fight, we're both too laid back and happy to let that happen. I can tell he feels the same way about me, I see it when he looks at me when he thinks I dont know he's doing it ;) Just happy to have found someone to grow old with, i spose..

times

So we had a pretty bad thunderstorm here tonight, it didn't really rain so much here as it was thundering a few miles away, which I guess hit a powerline or transfer station or whatever lightning hits..anyways our power went out for 2ish hours...funny how an event like that sends you back into the dark ages. Get out your flashlights, start to actually talk to people again...we get so wrapped up in our individual little existences that we dont think to include others, only when its convenient to us (aka no other choice, tv, internet, stoves dont work, nothing else to do but actually communicate...pch) anyways as I sat waiting for the power to come on, I decided to break open one of the books I got from the library today. The Grapes of Wrath. I got through the first three chapters, I can tell already it will be a good read. He's really good with words, they kind of just flow and ebb like the way a really good public speaker weaves his words. Anyways I wanted to read more, but one can only read so much before one needs a break. I also got out a 'learn spanish' CD set, I decided since clinic was such a waste of time I might as well set out to do some other worthwhile endeavors. Between french and spanish, I decided that more of the world speaks spanish, and most places where you would encounter french you could get away with speaking english (french canada, france) plus i've got 2 years of HS spanish under my belt, that stuff comes back if you give it a chance. So I did the first CD today, its a cool way of learning. Instead of studying it like they make you do in HS, its more of a fluency builder, you just kind of repeat whatever the person on the tape says, it goes through syntax and stuff like that, but in a way that makes sense. I guess the thing to do nowadays is to retire in central america, where houses are much cheaper. I could attest to that, just doing some casual searches of southern maine makes me not impressed at the current prices..although I think that part of the country is still in a bit of a housing bubble, and its always been expensive to live in southern maine. I dunno. Anyways, insert some witty comment about how difficult times bring us closer together, blah blah blah. I like that nobody reads this anymore, it being on some random website that people dont get notifiecation when I post something, I just felt like a very annoying entity in people's mailboxes. OK, its bedtime i reckon..the AC is buzzing and the lights are at my disposal..

my problem

I always have to analyze and re-analyze things...on one hand, I like maine and the lifestyle it offers...on the other hand, after looking at some research online and thinking about the differences in locale, it makes me think twice about moving back. The job market there is less than ideal, I dont know why, but its a really bad state for businesses. It might have to do with high taxes and high property values, I dont know...its ranked 48 out of 50 as far as states to do business in. So theres that..however, reimbursement for chiropractors is really good in the state, which is awesome. I think most chiros in the state work half days and make 6 figures. Its just annoying to live in a place thats regarded as a vacation spot, out-of-staters are clogging the roads and just make for a slightly annoying summer. bleh, I dont know. I have a few months to decide what I want to do. I have a probable job offer in NH, but reimbursement isn't as good there. what to do, what to do...

babies

it seems like its the thing to do nowadays, pop a few kids out. I read that we are in the midst of a baby boom, I guess the last time there were this many kids poppin' out was in the 50s. I think they referred to it as a 'boomlet'. One girl I know in college just had a kid...didn't say much to anybody, she just posted pics of her kid on facebook a few weeks ago. surprise! I popped one out! I think she is engaged to the guy which might have been part of the reason she kept it hush. She was weird anyways, a nice girl but she was just a little...off...I guess if I got knocked up I wouldn't like announce it to the world, its kind of a personal thing. God, if I was pregnant, I would hate the whole 'coming up and rubbing the belly' crap, that wouldn't happen on my watch. no way. anyways, this whole baby thing is an interesting trend, if nothign else it will stimulate the economy by way of people buying stuff for their brats. awesome. ugh my kitchen is a mess, I need to clean it.

the past..

I dont think its enough to just block out what's happened in the past. It's good for a little while, but eventually untied ends trip you up. Resolution is the only way to move forward. It's painful though. having no reaction to it is the ultimate goal, I try to bite the bullet, but it's still a hard thing for me to do. Current situations make it easier, kevin is a wonderful person and he makes life so much more fun and exciting, I dont know what I would have done if i didn't meet him. Anyways, I just keep telling myself things have turned out for the best, dont look back. I can't help but peek every once in a while though, hoping for that indifferent feeling. It hasn't come yet

back to the beginning?

hm that saying was from marching band like 8 years ago. anyways, I woke up with the familiar feeling of being in a mobius strip...I get up, go to clinic, come home and do stuff, go to sign out of clinic, and then do not much of nothing in the evenings...I need to spice things up! Maine was good for the 4th, we got to putz around up there, but now here I am, back in my own personal prison. I dont know how I'm goign to manage being at the same practice for 30 years, I see myself as getting quite antsy in that situation. Maybe I'll flip practices, like dr hillenbrand's brother in law (I think) I overheard him talking to somebody about how he will buy failing practices and build them up, then sell them for a profit. Interesting idea. or maybe I"ll build my own practice up, then become the leader or whatever and hire other chiros to work for me, and build more offices and build up an empire. sure, sounds good. empire it is. Kevin and I are (tentatively) goign hiking this weekend, to a national forest by allegheny, should be good times. in other news, I think I need new tires, or at least to get the ones i have rotated. The car shimmys at 60, then stops at 70. I just hate the hassle of having to go somewhere and having it done..plus kevin works all day now, so I would have to go in by myself and they will try to swindle me into buying 4 new tires blah blah blah oh well i"m a strong independent woman, I can probably figure this out by myself..maybe?

studying...

is SO not happening for me. I hate powerpoint with a passion. Ugh, this is hopefully one of the last tests, I dont think they give the midterm to 10th tris. I hope not.

addendum

I also hate the word 'fiancee' its pretentious and lame. and it doesn't even mean anything. just some stupid frenchie word someone made up to sound classy, or some crap like that. Its like 'oh I'm goign to be married, but I'm not yet' either you are or you aren't, nobody cares about the in-between. At least I dont

nicely put

I stumbled on a website that was basically a blog about weddings. about how when someone gets engaged the first thing girls say is 'OMG WHERE IS THE RING' like getting an engagement ring is the initiation rite into girl-dom...'yup girls, I finally suckered a poor hapless sap to walk down the aisle with me...' shouldn't the focus be on the couple, and not on the materialistic object that society has determined is the focus of this whole shindig? If I ever get engaged/married/whatever, I dont want a stupid diamond. The have no color. Give me something pretty and blue, with a little bit of color. and nothing too expensive either, I'd be afraid of losing it. my mom gave me a 300 ring for my 18th birthday, I'm scared to wear it though cuz I dont want to lose it. also, shortly after my mom bought the ring, the place she bought it from was shut down for money laundering...in podunk bangor maine...so its kind of cool that way too. anyways, marriage is about the people, not about how much you spend, where you have it, or any of that crap. Like how people put pictures of their engagement rings on facebook...how about a picture of your fiancee?? Stupid.