change is...

very stressful. It seems everything I have had as a safety net has suddenly just kind of dropped off, I'm on a high wire with nothing to catch me, and there's a wind coming up...
I spent a few hours in the office of the chiro that might hire me in the buffalo area. it was chaos, to say the least. he stated himself that 'hes more concerned with getting patients in then with organization..' and it showed. if i were to work with him, i would need to get that place organized, for my own sanity. To his defense, he did say that he's learned that organization is a good thing, he just needs to get some more of it. The office staff was nice, they all called me 'dr hart' which was cute. hah. Theres some other stuff in my life that I guess has caused me stress, stuff I'd rather not mention in a public blog. It all has just kind of snowballed, and is making me a little crazy right about now. it will be better once graduation rolls around and I've got a good job under my belt. This too shall pass, right?

nighttime

I dont know why, but consciousness seems altered in the night. when you're sleeping, or after you awake from sleeping, you just seem to be in a different world. a world where, instead of reality, some weird alternate universe has taken over, and you don't really have control. At least I dont. I have a lot of dreams where something important is happening, but for some reason I can't clearly see what, and therefore can't react to whatever is going on. I guess that's a reflection of real life, a lot of times I feel like an outsider looking in on the happenings of everybody else. I wonder where we really go when we dream. Is it just some altered brain wave pattern, that sends us to places of our brain where we hide our feelings and deepest fears? Or is it an actual location, our consciousness actually GOES somewhere, and we come back when our body tells us we need to wake up. Sometimes I'll wake up at night and continue in that altered state, missing people i shouldn't, thinking things that are not what how I normally perceive the world. I feel like i've been a little depressed lately, it could be the uncertainty of the coming months. I hate change, I like things to just stay the way they are. At the same time though, I like change, I almost crave it. Strange dichotomy. anyways, those are my thoughts for the AM.

oh yeah, my blog

I totally forgot about this thing. hah. I dont have a whole lot going on that I'm gonna talk about in here (I have another blog I have for my friends back home, its good to get some third person perspective sometimes) things are going good at school, done in a few months (!!) Staying in the buffalo area for teh time being, kevin has a good job here, and i think i found one that will (barely) pay the bills. A chiro around here is expanding into the southtowns, and wants an associate to help that situation out. It will be good for me, due to his wanting me to network with area doctors, he works a lot with neurologists for post-op treatment. That should be interesting, I am looking forward to expanding my horizons. We have also been looking at apartments, probably nearby where I live now, which would be halfway between his work and my work, give or take a few minutes on either side. i'm not thrilled at the idea of staying around here, my mom was sad when I told her I was staying here for a while. They definitely miss having their kids around, but there's just not a lot of opportunity for young peeps in maine, especially not computer jobs..there are some in the portland area, but thats still 3 hours away from home. It's also expensive to live there, versus what you can make. There are a lot of problems with the state, but also a lot of good points. People are real there, its not this facade of trying to be what you think others want you to be. I've had conversations before about this with emily, with 'real' mainers (Not transplants from other states) you kind of have to dress down (t-shirts or flannel and jeans)...if you dress up (not necessarily professionally, but if you wear 'sexy clothing') the other mainers wonder what your problem is. I'm a jeans and t-shirt kinda gal, although not those stupid looney toons t-shirts, I always hated those. Anyways, I feel like graduation will be very anti-climatic, I've been to them before, and its just kind of like 'oh.' I have never been a fan of pomp and circumstance, although I do like the song. I also dont like large throngs of annoying people, which ceremonies inevitably are..I liked the BPS graduation, it was a luncheon and they called us one by one and we got our diplomas that way. nice and relaxed, no retarded speeches, although I think nicchi did have to get his two cents in. Oh well, such is the case for diplomats. Kevin and a secret shopper job at a chain restaurant last night, it was kind of gross. The way america eats is so unhealthy, we usually eat a lot of rice and vegetables, this meal kept me up half the night and kind of made me very inflammed-feeling. I think we might skip those jobs next time around, even if it is free food. bleh. oh, and its weird how a lot of people I know had kids this summer. I've heard we're in a mini baby boom, but this is rediculous...anyways. thanks for not reading this, there is no notification email sent out, so everybodys forgotten about my new blog. which is okay, I dont like the pressure of having everybody check what i write as soon as i like it. maybe after this is old news, someone might think to check it, but by that time it will be too late! haha

well well

its one thing to not be upset by a situation any more...I've been doing that for a good 8 months now. But truly accepting the reality of something takes a little more time. To truly be emotionally free from a bad time in your life takes a lot more. That time, I think, has come for me. I just dont give a crap one way or another. I could fake-say before that I 'didn't care'...but deep down, I know I was still bothered. Life is so much better now, I'm happy with everything about whats going on right now. I'd like to be in maine, but thats about it. I am so happy with kevin, he makes my days brighter. I know, sappy shit, but its true. I couldn't imagine myself with anybody else. I'm excited to get a place with him after school is over, moving in with someone is a big step, something i dont take likely. We've never had a fight, we're both too laid back and happy to let that happen. I can tell he feels the same way about me, I see it when he looks at me when he thinks I dont know he's doing it ;) Just happy to have found someone to grow old with, i spose..

times

So we had a pretty bad thunderstorm here tonight, it didn't really rain so much here as it was thundering a few miles away, which I guess hit a powerline or transfer station or whatever lightning hits..anyways our power went out for 2ish hours...funny how an event like that sends you back into the dark ages. Get out your flashlights, start to actually talk to people again...we get so wrapped up in our individual little existences that we dont think to include others, only when its convenient to us (aka no other choice, tv, internet, stoves dont work, nothing else to do but actually communicate...pch) anyways as I sat waiting for the power to come on, I decided to break open one of the books I got from the library today. The Grapes of Wrath. I got through the first three chapters, I can tell already it will be a good read. He's really good with words, they kind of just flow and ebb like the way a really good public speaker weaves his words. Anyways I wanted to read more, but one can only read so much before one needs a break. I also got out a 'learn spanish' CD set, I decided since clinic was such a waste of time I might as well set out to do some other worthwhile endeavors. Between french and spanish, I decided that more of the world speaks spanish, and most places where you would encounter french you could get away with speaking english (french canada, france) plus i've got 2 years of HS spanish under my belt, that stuff comes back if you give it a chance. So I did the first CD today, its a cool way of learning. Instead of studying it like they make you do in HS, its more of a fluency builder, you just kind of repeat whatever the person on the tape says, it goes through syntax and stuff like that, but in a way that makes sense. I guess the thing to do nowadays is to retire in central america, where houses are much cheaper. I could attest to that, just doing some casual searches of southern maine makes me not impressed at the current prices..although I think that part of the country is still in a bit of a housing bubble, and its always been expensive to live in southern maine. I dunno. Anyways, insert some witty comment about how difficult times bring us closer together, blah blah blah. I like that nobody reads this anymore, it being on some random website that people dont get notifiecation when I post something, I just felt like a very annoying entity in people's mailboxes. OK, its bedtime i reckon..the AC is buzzing and the lights are at my disposal..

my problem

I always have to analyze and re-analyze things...on one hand, I like maine and the lifestyle it offers...on the other hand, after looking at some research online and thinking about the differences in locale, it makes me think twice about moving back. The job market there is less than ideal, I dont know why, but its a really bad state for businesses. It might have to do with high taxes and high property values, I dont know...its ranked 48 out of 50 as far as states to do business in. So theres that..however, reimbursement for chiropractors is really good in the state, which is awesome. I think most chiros in the state work half days and make 6 figures. Its just annoying to live in a place thats regarded as a vacation spot, out-of-staters are clogging the roads and just make for a slightly annoying summer. bleh, I dont know. I have a few months to decide what I want to do. I have a probable job offer in NH, but reimbursement isn't as good there. what to do, what to do...

babies

it seems like its the thing to do nowadays, pop a few kids out. I read that we are in the midst of a baby boom, I guess the last time there were this many kids poppin' out was in the 50s. I think they referred to it as a 'boomlet'. One girl I know in college just had a kid...didn't say much to anybody, she just posted pics of her kid on facebook a few weeks ago. surprise! I popped one out! I think she is engaged to the guy which might have been part of the reason she kept it hush. She was weird anyways, a nice girl but she was just a little...off...I guess if I got knocked up I wouldn't like announce it to the world, its kind of a personal thing. God, if I was pregnant, I would hate the whole 'coming up and rubbing the belly' crap, that wouldn't happen on my watch. no way. anyways, this whole baby thing is an interesting trend, if nothign else it will stimulate the economy by way of people buying stuff for their brats. awesome. ugh my kitchen is a mess, I need to clean it.